Fast forward...

The fall of 2008... the worst blow out...

we were at a hotel in our home state... he was working there since there wasnt any for him here...

but since it would kill many birds with one stone... I decided I would take the kids up there...

You know.. everyone has there limit... I had mine.. and I think I had somehow went through that concrete floor...

after being yelled at and snide remarks all night.. it ended after he drank a fifth of crown...

he chased me around the hotel just yelling at me about crazy stuff.. stuff that I cant even remember..

I do remember begging his mother to help me settle him down.. all she would do was shuffle the kids from one of of the hotel to the other... trying to stay clear of us for the kids sake...

at one point 2 young teens came out of the room next to us and asked me if i was ok.... i knew then.... i was done... 

at 3am the kids were finally asleep .. his drunk self still screaming at me got into the shower.. he was telling me how he was going to take everything.. even the kids...

I grabbed my phone.. went outside... called my friend....and sobbed... and I asked for help... 

I went home that next morning.. I didnt even tell him.. I grabbed the kids... and started driving the six hours... 

He had no idea what i was doing... see what i didnt tell you when i fast forward from 1997 to 2007 was all the belittling.. name calling...screaming.. the tears... 

I didnt even want him to touch me.. I couldnt tell you the last time we had kissed... even a peck... 

I would find myself sobbing as i locked myself in the bathroom .. the only place where i could breathe.. sometimes....he would try to get in there too...

sex was dreadful... he took it from me...most of the time i would be on my knees... so i didnt have to face him... minimal contact.. he didnt care.. i tried not to cry.... crying did not make him stop... i would count most of the time.. and fake it... just to get it over with... 

so... knowing how angry he was that night.. and how he would be once he found out I was trying to file... i went and asked for an order of protection... i was denied because he hadnt made physical contact with me...

it took about 3 days before he quit his job to make sure i wasnt cleaning him out... i wasnt.. and i had no intention to... i just wanted to be free... 

----to be cont

How it started..

I was a minor... he was just about 21...
He lived at home with his mother... I was on my own..
I had the biggest crush... one night he came over and never left... literary..
Six months after my high school graduation... I was pregnant..
... and then my life changed forever....
I never had an easy life.. but I made it work...
Here I am pregnant at 18 with his baby... he wanted me to have an abortion, like his previous did. I refused. I chose adoption (that will be another story told)

Hind sight... ugh.... I wish I was stronger and not so blind then. However, I was a child.
Besides the abortion, maybe the drug deals, or that he told me he was going to put me in the closet when his friends came over... or heck even introducing me to his mother as his "friend".. who just happen to be pregnant with his child. He never questioned it was his.. at least I didnt have that battle to deal with..

We had come to the conclusion that we would move 6 hours away...6 hours away from anyone that I knew..
We were always so broke.. he was 21 and was going out non-stop.. I was only 19. I was so depressed from the adoption.. moving so far from friends and family. I cried everyday for my baby... he never mentioned her.. never wanted to talk about it.

I felt like a I had failed giving her up.. so I thought this was the pain I was supposed to lead.

We fought all the time... he drank and smoked all the time... I could never do anything right... from cleaning.. to sex. I was told to leave so many times.. yearly...One time I actually packed my stuff.. but as a coward that I was.. I begged him to let me stay and I would try harder....

Hind sight... how foolish I looked...I was weak..

By the time I was 23 he wanted to buy a house... did I mention he has yet to tell me he loved me... and one time I wanted to hold his hand he told me to put it in my pocket if I had nothing better to do with it.

Hind sight...loveless relationship that would stay that way...

I told him I would not buy a house unless we were married... ha! no one knew we got married... no wedding.. no justice of the peace.. no judge... just a bic pen and a table top.  We had a friend that was ordained and we  put it in his mailbox that night, because he wasnt home. He sent it in later. The date on license was June 1st.. not the date we did it.. but any easy one to remember.

We were married... why I did I do it?? Maybe he would love me... once we moved in.. he said it to me.. but he never showed me. Instead he showed me every failed attempt I ever did.

We werent a couple.. we were a situation...
I was on and off again with the idea of having kids... but I was tired of being alone...

---will continue